


The Puckett Acquisition

by DwynArthur, TheWrtrInMe



Category: Big Bang Theory, iCarly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DwynArthur/pseuds/DwynArthur, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWrtrInMe/pseuds/TheWrtrInMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CalTech freshman Freddie Benson is a rising star in Dr. Hofstadter's physics laboratory. When his team hits a roadblock, he has to turn to his ex Sam Puckett and her uncle to obtain a rare element to carry out a delicate experiment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Taco Incineration

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It amazes me how the fanbases for iCarly and The Big Bang Theory overlap, especially because I personally contribute to it. I've long imagined what it would be like if the characters all met, so here goes. Not entirely sure where the story will go, though I have the ending in my head.
> 
> Disclaimer: iCarly belongs to Dan. Big Bang belongs to Chuck. I take responsibility for any mess caused in mixing them. And for what enriched salphanarium might do if it got into the wrong hands.

Dr. Leonard Hofstadter leaned over the precision laser in his laboratory, and pointed it at the grilled cheese sandwich he had propped in the center of the table. He turned to his two assistants, engineer Harold Wolowitz and CalTech freshman Freddie Benson, a recent addition to the lab's team, and asked them to repeat his calculations back to him.

"Okay, for a grilled cheese sandwich using whole wheat bread and two slices of cheddar cheese, you need to hit it with the laser for 2.37 seconds," Howard replied.

"But the bread is buttered on the outside. Don't you need energy to melt it into the bread precisely?" Freddie added.

Howard quickly wrote some calculations onto a pad, "He's right. Make it 2.41 seconds."

"Okay, goggles on," Leonard said, hunched behind the laser pointer's viewfinder. He hit a button, and the room filled with a sizzling sound for exactly 2.41 seconds, leaving a sandwich toasted with light burn marks around the edges, yellow blotches on the outside from melted butter, and liquefied cheddar cheese dripping from the middle.

"Well, there's my lunch," Leonard said gleefully, releasing the sandwich from its holder and dropping it onto a plate. "Ready to do yours, Freddie? Did you work out your cooking time?"

"What did we come up with, Howard?" Freddie asked.

"Well, for this 'spaghetti taco,' we needed an amount of energy sufficient to soften the shell over only slightly, to heat the tomato sauce, to soften the pasta, and to raise the internal temperature of the meatball pieces to 160 degrees Fahrenheit to as to kill any bacteria. And to put it in the laser's holder without cracking the shell. I recommend a cooking time of 4.11 seconds."

Freddie leaned over and placed the concoction into the device in the middle of the table, backing away and putting his goggles on. "That thing looks disgusting, Freddie. The loose spaghetti hanging out of the taco almost looks like worms. I could never eat that. It's a ridiculous amount of starch," Leonard said, as he activated the laser following Howard's calculations.

"And you can't eat starch, right."

"No, I'm lactose-intolerant. I can eat starch. That taco simply looks gross."

"I'll have you know that the spaghetti taco is not only unique to Seattle, but that it was invented by none other than my best friend's older brother."

"Is this best friend the girl from the webshow you did?" Leonard asked.

"One of them, Carly. We did the show from a studio we set up in her apartment."

Howard sidled up to him, raising an eyebrow. "So, give us all the dirty details. Two girls, one guy…I wouldn't mind being the cheese in that sandwich. Did you get a lot of action from those two girls? They were hotties,"

"Those 'hotties' were my two best friends. I grew up with them," Freddie said, an edge to his voice. "But yeah, I suppose I had moments with each of them."

"So you almost dated them?" Leonard asked.

"Actually, Carly and I were together for about a week, but I realized she wasn't into it. It was hero worship, after I pushed her out of the way of," Freddie sighed as he help up his lunch, "a taco truck. But we never dated again."

"There's nothing better than hero sex!" Howard interjected. "It's like pity sex, except you don't have to be ashamed. You don't turn that down!"

"But that was before you dated…" Leonard tried to turn back to the conversation before Howard got any further under Freddie's skin.

"Yes, before I dated Sam. We were together for longer, a couple of months, but that didn't work out either. We were just too different, and we fought all the time. Still, the three of us spent nearly every waking moment together for over six years. Saying we were best friends doesn't really do it justice."

"I'll tell you what would have done it jus—" Howard interrupted yet again before Leonard cut him off.

"Where are they now?" Leonard asked.

"Carly is at New York University, studying theater arts. Sam stayed in Seattle, and is working for her Uncle Carmine."

"Doing what?" Howard asked.

"You know what, I really don't want to know. Carmine has spent the better part of two decades in prison. Whatever Sam is helping him with, I'm sure it's illegal."

"I do love a bad girl." Howard said, lowering his voice to a predatory growl, "Does she have tattoos?"

"Howard!" Leonard said before turning to Freddie. "Do you worry about her?"

"Well, I'm sure she can take care of herself. I've never met anybody with her level of street smarts. But yeah, I worry sometimes." He shook his head, "She'd hate it if she heard me say that."

"Wait, isn't this the one who has a twin sister? Twins are fun. Have her come visit you! She can bring her sister…two hotties for the price of one!" said Howard, oblivious to Freddie's rising anger.

Freddie finally started to lose his temper. "Cut that out! I haven't even heard from her for over a month! I don't even know if she's okay!"

"Drop it, Howard," Leonard said. He turned to Freddie and said "Just ignore him. She'll come around. She won't just disappear forever."

Leonard and Howard suddenly looked down to see the spaghetti taco was on fire. As Freddie threw a cup of water from the sink on the taco, Leonard turned to Howard.

"I thought you calculated how long to leave the laser on!"

"I did. Maybe my figures were a little, you know, off. It happens, okay?"

"Oh yes, it happens, as a dozen astronauts who had to take an unplanned spacewalk can tell you!"

Freddie tried to change the subject. "So does this laser have any potential? Maybe it can't cook food without setting the room on fire, but I'm used to things being randomly set on fire. Can it do anything else?"

"Well, it's supposed to have lots of applications," Leonard said. "It can heat an object evenly, and that part seems to work just fine, but what I really want is a laser that can cut. It would have some industrial applications, and best of all, it could be used in space."

"On the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System," Howard added proudly.

"The space toilet?" Freddie asked, his trademark smirk on his face.

"I think of it as sharing the ultimate form of relief with the universe," Howard said with a smile.

"But it still doesn't cut properly?" Freddie asked, turning to Leonard.

"It cuts, but it leaves rough edges and burn marks. So it can't be used to cut glass. And I'd really like it to be able to cut diamonds cleanly. If we could do that, it would revolutionize diamond-cutting, and the proceeds of licensing its use would finance this laboratory for a couple of decades. And, you know, if it improves diamonds, then even Penny might be impressed," Leonard finished with the shrug of his shoulders.

"So what do you think is wrong?"

"It's the element we're using. We're using lower-grade elements like polybdenum, which we already have on campus. I would really love to try using it salphanarium."

"What's that?"

"It's the newest element. When it's enriched, it serves as a fine lens, and concentrates light energy precisely. It's perfect for cutting."

"So why not use it?"

"Oh, Homeland Security restricted its use. Something about it being highly volatile and radioactive," Howard offered.

"They're scared we'll blow up the campus…or grow three heads." Leonard shrugged.

Howard snorted. "Pansies."

Leonard looked up from his clipboard. "All existing stocks are being held at military laboratories, and university-based researchers don't even have access to it."

Knock, knock, knock. "Leonard!"

Knock, knock, knock. "Leonard!"

Knock, knock, knock. "Leonard!"

"Come in, Sheldon!" Leonard yelled at the door. The door opened to reveal their colleague, and Leonard's roommate, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, accompanied by Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.

"Leonard, I was waiting in the cafeteria for six minutes and fifty-three seconds, and none of you showed up for lunch!" Sheldon whined.

"I'm sorry, Sheldon, we kind of brought our lunches today. We were trying out the laser and, well, cooked with it."

"Well that's no excuse for not meeting me at the cafeteria on time, especially when you know that Tuesday is cheeseburger day!"

"Sheldon, I'm sorry about that, but we've already eaten—"

"I can't eat alone, Leonard! The cafeteria is crowded, and someone might sit with me."

"So what? If they sit with you, just ignore them."

"Ignore them?" He laughed, "Social convention dictates that I at least offer a response to the greeting they are sure to offer." He looked around at the group, "And you say I'm the one with no social graces. And now I'm late, and I'm behind on my research for the day."

"Behind on your research, Sheldon? You spent two hours this morning looking around the internet trying to find out how to conjugate the past subjunctive in Klingon!" Raj interjected, by then having realized there were no women in the room.

"Guys, I hate to interrupt, but we need to get back to our laser. It's still not focusing properly, and I have to figure out how I'm going to get what I need to fix it."

"You're not talking about salphanarium again, are you?" Raj complained. "It's illegal! Don't you know what President Siebert would do if he knew you were even talking about using it in your research? And I could lose my visa and get kicked out! And I don't want to be kicked out, now that I've eaten a real Big Mac. I can never eat a Maharaja Mac again."

"Relax, Raj," Leonard replied. I was just fantasizing out loud about what I could do with it. It doesn't matter. We can't use it because we can't obtain it. End of story. We're the best and the brightest, but even we have our limits."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sheldon replied. "Best and brightest? Mediocre and satisfactory at best."

"You know, anything can be obtained if the price is right, guys." Howard interjected. "I'm sure it's available. We just need to figure out from whom, and what they'll ask to get it for us," Howard told Leonard.

"Yes, but from whom?" Leonard retorted. "Probably from some pretty nasty people, the kind who traffic in fissile material! I don't want to deal with these people, and in any case, who in a laboratory even knows where to find them?"

Freddie chewed on the inside of his mouth. He thought he knew exactly where to find these people, and he knew through whom he could contact them. "Guys, I think I know where you can get some enriched salphanarium, and it may only cost you a couple of extra-large hams."


	2. The Benson Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes, the iCarly and Big Bang gangs are back, and they're still together! In this chapter, we get another peek at Freddie's situation at Cal Tech, and we move a little closer to the Seddie.
> 
> To make things a little clearer, this story takes place after iGoodbye, when the iCarlies graduate and move on to bigger and better things. On the Big Bang side, it's not set in any specific season, but I'm taking the liberty to have Leonard and Penny dating, while Howard and Bernadette aren't together yet. But the whole TBBT canon is open to feed the banter.
> 
> Thanks to all who have read, and especially, reviewed. Many of you said you like seeing your two favorite shows crossed. Well, me too. I'm surprised it hasn't been tried before.
> 
> Disclaimer: iCarly belongs to Schneider's Bakery, The Big Bang Theory to Chuck Lorre Productions. If they don't mix well, that's my fault.

Leonard entered his apartment, balancing two large paper bags while Freddie carried a third over to the kitchen counter, where they set everything down. Sheldon ran over and began to inspect the contents of the bags.

"Exhilaration Burger?" Sheldon asked Freddie.

"Uh, yes, see, right here on the bag."

Sheldon rolled his eyes at Freddie and turned to his roommate. "Leonard?"

"Yes, Sheldon."

"Please tell me you did not assign the responsibility of placing my order to this…this novice."

"As much as I would have loved the honor, I left it in Freddie's capable hands." Leonard said sarcastically.

Sheldon looked back to Freddie, raising an eyebrow. "Double cheeseburger?"

"Yes."

"Onion rings?"

"Yes."

"Tomato and lettuce…leaf not shredded?"

"Yes."

"Burger cooked medium-well?"

"Yes."

"Eight pack of Diet Coke in small cans?"

"Yes, Sheldon."

"Mustard?"

"Bottle already in the fridge," Leonard said from over Freddie's shoulder.

"No sesame seeds on the bun?"

Leonard and Freddie looked at each other, Leonard attempting to stifle a laugh. "Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I forgot to ask for that."

"How hard is it to check, Freddie?"

"Does it really make a difference?"

"Does it make a  _difference_? If it didn't, would I waste my breath asking? And why does it always take you so long to go get food? Fredward, if you're going to live here, you're going to have to learn to pull your weight. Section 36 of the Roommate Agreement is very specific about your responsibilities in regard to food ordering. You are perilously close to triggering a fine!"

"A fine? I regret signing that thing more every minute! Do you want the burger or not?

" _So let me get this straight. I need to sign this 100-page contract to stay here with you for … four months and six days? It's just until the dorm opens on Labor Day!"_

" _Sheldon…" Leonard tried to interrupt._

" _That's right, because you're staying here for more than nine consecutive nights, which by the rules of this apartment makes you a roommate. Do you want me to go through it with you..." he sighed, "again?"_

_Freddie let out a deep breath. "Well, at only a hundred pages, it's shorter than what my mother used to make me sign. Is there anything in there about tick baths?"_

" _Tick baths? Ha! Everyone should know that commercial tick soap does nothing to ticks, but only irritates human flesh. One would have to be crazy to buy it."_

" _I knew it …" Freddie muttered to himself._

" _But if you want to know the hygiene rules, see paragraph 67, addendum 4."_

" _Why do I already feel at home here?"_

Leonard shook his head and tried to calm the situation. "Sheldon, just eat your burger. Freddie, ignore Sheldon…and would you mind going to tell Penny the food is here?"

Freddie nodded, opened the door and headed across the call, returning behind Penny about thirty seconds later.

Everyone, Freddie, Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Howard, and Raj found their sandwiches, including Howard's non-kosher cheeseburger and Raj's triple-patty insult to the Bhagavad Gita. As they all began to eat, Leonard turned to Freddie.

"So what did you mean about knowing where to get some salphanarium for a couple of hams?"

"My, um… friend Sam's uncle is, let's say, a specialist in obtaining things that are hard to obtain. He can get anything if the price is right."

"Could he get salphanarium?"

"I'm sure he could. Where is it kept?"

"Most of it would be at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee," Sheldon snorted. "It's one of the most secure places in the world, although their Cray supercomputers are surprisingly easy to penetrate."

"I'm sure Carmine has someone in there," Freddie replied.

"Do you have a way to reach him?" asked Leonard.

"It would be through Sam, and Sam hasn't returned any of my messages for over a month."

"You talk about this Sam a lot," interjected Penny. "Who is she, exactly?"

"Sam was one of my two best friends in high school. She and I worked together on a webshow called—"

"Here," Howard interrupted, sliding in next to Penny and setting a laptop on the table in front of her. "I'll show you their webshow."

He quickly clicked on a bookmarked link and a video began to play.

" _Each cup is only 27 euro…"_

" _You got change for a steel pipe?"_

" _He's taking our jar!"_

" _I ain't afraid of no bra!"_

" _Then prepare for two cups of justice!"_

Freddie instantly recognized "The Adventures of Super Bra," wincing as he recalled that he and Sam were dating when they made this, and remembered the skimpy Sunshine Girls costumes Sam and Carly wore, and he grabbed the laptop from Howard's hands and yanked it away, even angrier at the way Howard was leering at his friends.

"Cut that stuff out!"

Howard ignored him and continued to talk to Penny. "As you can see, Freddie's lady friends are both quite gorgeous. Though if they want to sell some cookies, I would have hoped for a bit more cleavage. And I have it on the authority of the man himself that he has planted his lips on both of them. On top of that, his little blond friend has a twin. Yum. Too bad he didn't land one on her for the trifecta."

Freddie blushed. "Well … I did kiss Melanie once. Actually, she kissed me. But it didn't count because I thought I was kissing Sam."

Howard stared at Freddie, slackjawed, finally reaching out to him.

"Share with me your wisdom," he said solemnly.

Raj leaned over the whispered to Howard, who relayed, "Raj says we should do a webshow."

Sheldon retorted, "How can he be on a webshow when he can't talk to a female audience? Now a webshow would be a perfect vehicle for me. Not only could I instruct the public on theoretical physics, I am certain viewers could find me very engaging on camera. I bet I could win an Emmy just for sitting on this couch and talking."

"Don't you remember your first attempt at a webshow?" Penny asked sourly.

"Of course! Our fascinating exploration of vexillology! Everyone who watched both learned something about the history of flags  _and_  had fun! But it's such a shame that Amy Farrah Fowler is so awkward around people. I'd have to do it myself this time…"

Penny sat back and crossed her leg as she looked at Freddie. "So let me get this straight. You dated  _all_  of the girls you worked with on your webshow?"

"And their hot sisters," Howard interjected.

"I didn't really date them. Well, except for Sam. We were together for a few months, but then we broke up."

"What happened?" Penny asked. She wasn't used to there being anything resembling juicy gossip being discussed at her 'Nerd Squad' dinners.

"I'm not really sure. I didn't truly want to break up, but Sam said that we were forcing a relationship, that we didn't click as boyfriend and girlfriend. She even said that we could try again if she became more normal and I became more abnormal, but it never happened. And then I left for college."

"Freddie, if you want to be abnormal, you're hanging around with the right group of guys. Stay here and you'll be abnormal in no time!" Penny paused and looked over at Leonard. "Sorry sweetie," she said, remembering a very similar conversation with him in a bowling alley. "But you don't even talk to her now?"

"Well, we were texting every day when I first got here, but I haven't heard from her in over a month. I don't even know where she is right now."

"But you want to?"

"Want to what?"

"God, you really are one of them," she said, gesturing around the room. "Want to know where she is, Freddie! Want to talk to her…be with her." She delivered her final words with clasped hands.

"Well, yeah, I mean…I'd like to know she's okay and be able to tell her…"

"That you love her, can't live without her… "

"Can't wait to…" Howard waggled is eyebrows, "try out some of her Sunshine Girl cookies?"

"Howard, you're such a pig," Penny said.

"Oh, sweetie…you're insulting pigs." Leonard laughed, head bent over his take out container.

"Freddie, if you want her back in your life, you're allowed to try to make that happen. I've got it!" Penny exclaimed, turning back to Freddie. "Call her and invite her to see your new school. I'm sure she'll love Pasadena!"

Raj, who had by then obtained the computer and was watching another video from the site, leaned and whispered into Howard's ear. "No, I don't know why he skips the 'one,'" Howard told him impatiently.

"I don't even know how to contact her. She isn't answering her phone, texts, or e-mails," said Freddie.

"No GPS or tracking her cell phone?" Leonard asked.

"I tried it. She either turned her phone off or got a new one."

"No family you could call?" Penny asked.

"If I haven't heard from Sam it's probably because she doesn't want to be heard from. I guess I could try her sister."

"The twin?"

Freddie cast a warning glance at Howard. "Or her mom…if she's not in jail or Vegas." He looked at Penny, "But she might be somewhere, doing something where she won't want to be reached."

"You'll never know if you don't try."

Freddie reached into his back pocket and drew out his phone, staring at his contact list. "You really think I should?"

Penny nodded enthusiastically – as did Howard.

"Okay, I'll try it." Freddie looked up Melanie's number on his phone and dialed, reaching voice mail and listening to her bubbly instructions to leave a message. "Melanie? Hi, it's Freddie Benson, calling from California. Did you know I'm going to Cal Tech? I've been trying to call Sam, but I haven't heard from her, and I was wondering if you have. Do you have a way of letting her know that I'd like to talk to her? Thanks!"

He then made the less pleasant call to Pam Puckett, but also reached voice mail. "Hi there. This is Pam. If you're a bill collector, I'm dead. If this is my cat, get a job. If you went out with me, obviously you no longer matter so stop bothering me. You're not getting your stuff back. I probably sold it already. And if you're that cute doctor I met last night, you can leave your number as long as you make me dinner or buy me stuff."

After the beep, Freddie swallowed hard and said, "Mrs. Puckett, this is Freddie Benson, Sam's … friend. I've been trying to call her, but she hasn't answered. Is there a different way to reach her now? Would you be able to tell her I've been trying to get in touch?"

He turned to Leonard. "I guess that's all I can do. Now we wait."


	3. The Fatcake Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Welcome back to Chapter 3 of "The Puckett Acquisition!" Thanks for all the great reviews and feedback, and by popular demand, in this chapter our very own Sam Puckett turns up in Pasadena!
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing's changed. It began with Chuck and Dan.

Sheldon Cooper was in a bad mood. As part of The Roommate Agreement, it was expressly stated that Leonard would drive him home from the university every day. The subtle balance of their friendship rested heavily on Leonard's ability to adhere to said agreement-and Sheldon's commitment to enforcing it. It was a hard job, albeit one he was accustomed to. He was used to serving as the moral compass of their little group of friends. He often wondered just what they'd do without him.

But today, today had proven that his normally impeccable decision making skills could fail. He'd agreed, at Leonard's behest, to allow one Fredward Benson to become a temporary third roommate. He'd been sure it would upset the delicate equilibrium of their living situation-and now he knew he'd been right! As Sheldon stood outside Leonard's office door at exactly 4:55 this afternoon (ensuring that they'd be on the freeway no later than 5:13, thereby missing the heaviest traffic) Leonard had informed him that instead of taking Sheldon home, he'd be escorting Fredward to the Athletic Center.

Without even a backward glance he and Fredward and walked off and left Sheldon to find his own way home. That way ended up with Sheldon on a city bus-without his bus pants!

The Roommate Agreement had been violated-most egregiously in Sheldon's opinion-and he did not intend to stand for it.

Heading into the apartment and dropping his keys in the bowl, he began to head to his room to change his newly sticky (in his own mind, at least) pants. He never noticed that the door had already been unlocked, but he certainly noticed the mop of blonde hair on the couch.  _In his spot._  Did Penny just let herself into their apartment again? But as he approached he realized that this was not Penny. It was a different blond girl, perhaps younger than Penny, and she was fast asleep, her legs sprawled all over the coffee table, and she was surrounded by plastic wrappers, coated in a fine pink dust, a pink cake hanging from her half-open mouth.

Sheldon began to hyperventilate, before getting just enough control of himself to scream: "AAAAAAAAAAH! HEEEEEEELLLLLP!" and flee across the hall.

 _Knock, knock, knock,_ "PENNY!"

 _Knock, knock, knock,_ "PENNY!"

 _Knock, knock, knock,_ "PENNY!" Sheldon cried.

The door flew open, and a wild-eyed Penny yelled "What the HELL is the matter with you, Sheldon?"

"Someone has broken into our apartment! And she's sitting in my spot!"

"Doing what?"

"Sleeping! And fouling my couch with an unidentified rose-colored powder!"

Penny scowled at Sheldon and marched him back to his front door, muttering that burglars don't fall asleep on their victims' couches.

She entered Apartment 4-A and walked over to the couch to look at the young woman. She first noticed their general similarity, but after a few seconds, Penny recognized the girl from the videos Freddie showed her. It was Sam. Penny smiled as she realized that Sam came because Freddie called her.

Penny shook Sam gently. "Sweetie…" Sam barely moved. "Sam…" Penny shook her again, with no response. Having no idea that she merely needed to whisper  _fried chicken_  to get Sam on her feet, Penny leaned over to shake her again.

"Wake up, you hooligan! You're in my spot!" Sheldon whined loudly.

Sam finally stirred, and as she awoke, took the last bite of the round pink cake already in mouth. Swallowing, she wiped more pink powder from her mouth and turned toward the screaming man. "I'm in your what?"

"In my spot! You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that I'm warm yet not so close that I sweat. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so that I can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted."

" _Not so wide that the picture looks_ _distorted_ ," Sam mocked. Turning to Penny, she asked "is this guy for real?"

"It took me a couple of years to accept it, but I'm afraid he is, honey. Are you looking for Freddie?"

"He's been pestering my mother and sister that he misses me or something."

"Yes, Fredward is living here," Sheldon interrupted. "Temporarily, I might add. Even more so after this intrusion of yours! He's just a third roommate, but he has disturbed the delicate equilibrium Dr. Hofstadter and I have established over several years of living here. Are you going to be staying here? The Roommate Agreement doesn't allow for Fredward to have a female here. The bathroom schedule will be completely thrown off!"

"Do you know a woman in Seattle named Marissa?"

"Who?"

"Never mind. Do you know when Freddie'll be back?"

"No, I do not! He and Leonard went off to the … recreational complex, and left me to take the bus home alone!" Sheldon seethed and looked at Penny, "and I didn't have my bus pants!"

Sam paused and looked at Sheldon carefully. "There's something weird yet familiar about you. Have you ever been in a mental hospital?"

"I'm not crazy! My mother had me tested!"

"Shush, Sheldon," Penny interjected. She looked at Sam and said "I'm Penny. I live across the hall. So you're Freddie's friend from the webshow?"

Sam nodded. "He was a coworker."

"It seemed like more to him. He's been trying to find you for weeks! He didn't even know where you were and he was worried!"

"I don't know what got into the nub. He came down here so he could be a big time scientist, and now he's making whiny calls saying he needs Mama. What's up with him?"

"Oh, he's fine, but I think he needs your help with something. He needs to get a Selena…or a Sophia…it's definitely an 'S' something."

"Salphanarium," Sheldon groaned. It's the 123rd and most recently discovered element, and it is crucial for concentrating the light of a laser in order to unlock its advanced cutting properties."

"Bored!" Sam yelled, immediately drawing a smile from Penny. "Why is this my problem? Can you use it to cook bacon faster?"

"He'll explain to you when he gets home. Where are you staying?"

"Well I figured I'd crash here with Frednerd since he's the reason I had to interrupt my business to find out what has his panties in a wad." She gestured toward Sheldon, "but this head case pretty much told me I can't stay here. Something about not being in a contract."

"Sheldon! You're not going to let Freddie's best friend stay here? Come on, Sam, you can stay with me. I've got room, and you can tell me about you and Freddie."

"There's not much to tell. And watch it with the 'best friend' stuff," Sam said as she grabbed her bag and headed across the hall.

* * *

An hour later, Leonard and Freddie, accompanied by Howard and Raj, got back to the apartment to find Sheldon furiously vacuuming around the couch. "Those little pink bits are everywhere! And I'm still finding more wrappers on the floor!" Freddie recognized Fatcake Pink right away, and immediately started to look around the apartment.

"If you're looking for that rude girl from Seattle, she's over with Penny. She's absolutely not staying here. She's not in The Roommate Agreement, and I will not be making an amendment to accommodate her. She is just unpleasant."

"Sam is  _here_?" Freddie asked, rising excitement in his voice.

"Didn't I just finish telling you that, Fredward?"

"Let's go over there, Fre…" Freddie was out the door before Leonard even finished the sentence.

Leonard knocked on Penny's door and entered her apartment. He was greeted by the sight of two nearly identical women bonding like long-lost sisters over what appeared to be a bottle of wine and a tray of small pink circular objects. Freddie momentarily wondered what they were talking about to become so close so quickly.

"Sam?" Freddie said, approaching her as she stood, and resisting the urge to put his arms around her. "How have you been? Where were you, I was worried!"

"Freddork," Sam began, somewhat unsteady on her feet as she rose from the couch, "what's the deal with you bugging my mom and Melanie with your weird phone messages? Mom didn't even remember you and Melanie got freaked out that someone was dying!"

"I'm sorry for that! But you haven't answered any of my messages for over six weeks. There wasn't any point in writing to you."

"Look, Mama had places to go and things to do. I couldn't have my nose in my phone all the time. So what was all the fuss for?" she said, trying to ignore the way that Penny and the funny looking guy in glasses were sitting on the couch smiling at Sam and Freddie like loons.

"We might need your uncle's help with something. Something for our physics lab."

"We?"

"Leonard, a little help?"

"Hi, Sam, I'm Dr. Leonard Hofstader, from the Department of Physics at Cal Tech." He stuck out his hand, which Sam simply stared at. "We've been conducting some laser experiments, and we'd like to get some enriched salphanarium to use in developing a new type of laser."

Sam stared at Leonard in disbelief, then looked at Freddie. "And I thought  _you_  were a nub. I think you've found your king."

"Sam! Just listen." He turned to Leonard, "Go ahead Leonard."

"As I was saying, Freddie says your uncle is a specialist in obtaining that kind of thing."

"Benson, what are you doing telling people about Uncle Carmine's business? It's bad enough he served an extra six months because of that stunt you pulled with the ham. I swear, if you get him put back in prison-"

"Sam, only a handful people in the lab know, and they know just how risky it is to get this stuff."

"I've never heard of this saffawhatever."

"You don't need to," Freddie said. "Can you just put us into contact with Carmine?"

"Yeah, fine, I can send a message to him tonight."

"Do I dare even ask what you're doing for him?"

Sam walked over to her suitcase and pulled out a large pink package, a smile emerging on her face. "Fatcakes. Lots and lots of Canadian fatcakes. There's a sweet black market for these babies once you figure out how to get them across the border."

"You're smuggling Canadian fatcakes? Don't you remember how lucky you were that they let you go at the border the first time?"

"Lucky? Your stupid suitcase stunt got me sent to Malaysia!"

"And our ambassador there got you out. You were lucky his kids were such big fans of iCarly."

"But getting these little pink angels into the country is easy once you work out a system. Ever hear of the Keystone Pipeline?"

"It carries Canadian oil from Alberta to the Midwest," Leonard said.

"Not from 2 to 5 a.m. on Saturdays, it doesn't," Sam said with a grin.

Penny interrupted to say, "Freddie, isn't there another reason you wanted Sam..." but at that moment Howard came through the open door.

"Hey Leonard, Sheldon said you were over here…well, hello." Howard walked slowly toward Sam, "Howard Wolowitz, Master of Engineering," he said to Sam in a deep voice, grabbing her hand and staring at her chest.

"If you wanna keep that hand I suggest you keep it to yourself," she replied, yanking her hand back.

"Freddie has shown us some of your videos, and I have to thank you for all the late nights of … entertainment that they have provided. You don't happen to have any of your costumes in your suitcase, or better yet, your sister?"

"Howard, get out of my apartment!" Penny yelled, but Sam raised a hand.

"Penny, I've got this." Sam stopped at her open duffel bag, fished out a sock, and headed for the refrigerator, where she found a small yellow stick in the freezer and placed it inside the sock. She began to swing it around her head as she walked back to Howard and hit him with it solidly above his left ear, dropping him to the floor.

"You know, it works even better when the butter is frozen. It's less messy that way."

"What is that, and can I have one?" Penny asked.

"Sam!" Freddie hissed as he and Leonard helped Howard to his feet. "You aren't here fifteen minutes and you already buttersocked someone I work with!"

"Hey Howard," Sam said, walking over to a dazed Wolowitz. "For next time, my eyes are up here."

As Leonard helped Howard stagger out the door and across the hall, Freddie turned to Sam. "How did you get here? I called your mother and sister and didn't hear a word back for two weeks, until I came home and found you in Penny's apartment."

"My uncle has his methods. 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Apartment 4-A, Pasadena, California. You weren't even hard to find. You've gotta learn to cover your tracks better."

"So you just came here to our building?"

"Wanted to see what kind of nubs you hang out with." She turned back to Penny, asking "why do you spend time with these guys?"

"Mostly because they feed me," Penny answered.

"Yep, gotta understand that," Sam replied. "Speaking of that, Fredduccini, you wanted me here, so you're feeding me. What are we having? And since Penny is putting me up, that means her too."

Freddie sighed. "How about ribs?"

Penny smiled and said, "We'll go get Leonard and go out, like a double date! I want to know all about the two of you!"

"The two of what?" Sam asked.

"Freddie said you've been best friends like since grade school, and that you went out together. I saw when he kissed you live on the internet!"

"Benson!" Sam cried, hitting Freddie hard in the upper arm. "You're showing that to people? You're pathetic!"

"I think it's sweet," Penny said. "You're just like Leonard and me!"

"Leonard and you?"

"They're dating," Freddie deadpanned.

"Aw chizz," Sam moaned, realizing Penny's plan as they headed out the door.


	4. The Rib Shack Calamity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: No, this story has not been abandoned, and at least one of these two shows remains on the air! iGoodbye has come and gone, and the lack of any Seddie resolution was entirely foreseeable. I know there is talk of Freddie appearing on Sam & Cat … I'm hoping Dan Schneider just lets it drop and moves on. Besides, you have fan fiction, where you can see Sam and Freddie written well.
> 
> As much as I disliked iGoodbye, it fits well into this story, so the entire iCarly canon holds here. But Sam & Cat has not taken place. Let's return to Pasadena!
> 
> Disclaimer: iCarly belongs to DS, The Big Bang Theory belongs to CL.

Leonard leaned back and surveyed the scene in front of him. There were pieces of food everywhere, especially in front of Sam. She'd devoured two full slabs of St. Louis style ribs, along with several side dishes, plus about half of Freddie's chicken. Penny had mumbled to him during the meal that she didn't understand how tiny Sam remained when she ate so much. If the state of their table was any indication, Leonard suspected it was because she got more food over everyone else than in her mouth. But the crumbs all over were not the real spectacle. Everything in the booth had a fine (and in some places not so fine) coating of barbecue sauce, long dried. Freddie, predictably, had the worst of it, right up to and including a piece of sauce-coated rib Sam had pasted to his cheek during the peak of their argument. Freddie had been surprisingly calm about it, even saying something about it not being the first time Sam had done that to him.

Leonard glanced over at Penny, who looked even more shell-shocked than he felt. The four going out together for dinner had been her idea, and Freddie had assured her that Sam would enjoy any meal that featured a pile of meat. With that assurance Penny had felt pretty confident that by the end of the evening both Sam and Freddie would be thanking her for getting them back together. This wasn't how she'd expected the night to go. Penny was dumbfounded.

It had not been hard to get Freddie to admit he missed Sam or to convince him to call her. And though it took three glasses of wine in her apartment, Sam had even admitted that while she was extremely upset with Freddie, she missed him too, and was intrigued when Melanie texted to say that Freddie had called after all this time, asking where she was. But now the two were being as vicious to each other as lions fighting over the last hyena, and for no visible reason.

The two began the dinner in relative silence, not talking to each other. Penny figured it was nerves and whispered to Leonard how cute it was that after all this time they still got this way around each other. Leonard raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The silence might seem like nerves to Penny, but the look on Sam's face was murderous and, frankly, it made him  _nervous_. It continued, awkward silence filled with Penny's attempts to get everyone to talk, until their food arrived and Sam began to eat noisily and messily – it was disturbing for sure, but neither Leonard nor Penny had any idea of how bad it was about to get.

_Sam grabbed a squeeze bottle of barbecue sauce and began to squirt it out onto her ribs, letting it accumulate until the meat had long disappeared from view. When the bottle emptied, she tossed it onto the table and grabbed another one._

_Freddie, watching the show, turned to Sam with a smirk and asked, "Do you have enough sauce there, Sam?"_

" _It's okaaaaay, Freddie. Besides, we've had this argument already, remember? The sauce is just as free as the cheese."_

" _Sam, I don't care what you put on your food, but there's sauce all over everyone else! There's even some on my plate, and on my arm!"_

_Sam looked at him, pointed the tip of the bottle at him, and squeezed, sending a large blob of sauce onto his sleeve._

" _Cut it out, Sam! The nice thing about Pasadena is that I'm not banned from half the restaurants here!"_

Sam had laughed, seemingly unaffected by Freddie's irritation and returned to eating her ribs even more obnoxiously than before. Freddie rolled his eyes and shot periodic daggers at Sam that appeared to make her all the more committed to annoying him.

It was downhill from there. Leonard and Penny attempted to keep the conversation going and the barbecue sauce hurling to a minimum, but after a while neither Sam nor Freddie even seemed to notice Penny and Leonard were at the table. Freddie stared at Sam, Sam stared at Freddie and nothing about the looks on their faces said  _I missed you – let's get back together._

But the worst of it came late in the meal, when Freddie referred to their friend Carly's months with her father in Italy before returning to start college. Freddie had never said much to Leonard about it, but her departure must have been a sore point. It clearly bothered Sam, because her face turned an even brighter red as she muttered " _she doesn't love you—get over it_ ," and within one minute of Freddie's mention of Italy, they brandished their utensils at each other, with bizarre threats to stab each other in the eye with their forks.

Leonard was still in shock when the dessert arrived. If he had his wits about him a little more, he might have noticed that his apple pie had come with a scoop of vanilla ice cream that he hadn't ordered. And he might have noticed that he was eating it.

* * *

"What the hell, Leonard?" Penny screamed at Leonard as she tried to drive while hanging her head out the open window of the car. All four windows were open, with Leonard in the passenger's seat, and Sam and Freddie awkwardly crowded together on the left side of the back seat, trying to keep away from the source of the noxious smell.

"What is that smell, anyway? Did somebody slaughter a cow?"

"The smell begins with a cow, sweetie, but nobody slaughtered one. Leonard is lactose intolerant. He can't eat ice cream,  _can you, Leonard_?"

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't realize I was eating it until it was gone. In twenty minutes it will be over."

"Oh baby, if only the upholstery in this car could say that," Penny retorted. If I have to have this thing detailed, you're paying for it."

"If you'd just get the "check engine" light looked at, I  _will_  pay for a good cleaning!" Leonard retorted.

"Why would you eat the ice cream Leonard!?"

"Why? Maybe because I was stuck at a table with Joe Frasier and Mohammed Ali! I was distracted!" Both he and Penny looked into the backseat where round two appeared to be about to begin.

Freddie squirmed against the door, pushing Sam away from him. "Get your elbow out of my spleen!"

"Do you really think I want to be squeezed back here against you? I'm still disinfecting myself from the  _last_  time I had to be this close to you!"

"Well you weren't complaining then!"

"Temporary insanity!"

"Insanity, yeah…I hear it runs in the family!"

"You're one to talk, Son of Psycho!"

"Oh my God!" Penny yelled. "What is it with the two of you, already? I thought you'd be so happy to see each other!"

"Well, you thought wrong," Sam said.

"Way wrong!" Freddie yelled.

"Shut the hell up Benson or I swear to God you'll regret it!"

"Regret it? The only thing I regret was thinking you could be mature enough to…"

"Mature? Oh that's rich Fredwad!" She turned to face Penny, holding her nose as she leaned into the front seat. "How's this for mature – the guy who told you he loved you asks if you wanted to get back together, changes his mind ten seconds later, and kisses your best friend, all in the course of one day?"

Freddie stammered, still awkwardly pressed against Sam. "The last time I kissed Carly was three years ago! Why are you bringing that up?"

"Please don't mention bringing things up," Leonard groaned softly, holding his stomach. Penny frowned, leaning a bit further out the window.

"You kissed her in the studio before she left!"

"What? How…"

"How did I know? Because Carly isn't a dirtbag who does stuff like that without telling me." She narrowed her eyes. "Because Carly actually cares about me."

The car picked up speed as Penny leaned into the accelerator.

"Did she? Did she tell you that she stepped in for a goodbye hug then suddenly kissed  _me_!"

"And you kissed her back."

Freddie sat silently, then said, "What was I supposed to do Sam? It was like ten seconds!" He leaned back in his seat with a heavy sigh. "I didn't know what else to do. She kissed me and then she turned around and walked out the door. That was the end of it."

Sam sat back against the seat, twisting the end of her shirt. "Did you … enjoy it?"

"Sam, come on."

No one noticed the jolt as the car hit a Euclid Avenue speed bump in full gear.

Leonard groaned and doubled over, "Penny, honey can you be a little more, gentle? Loaded gun over here…"

"Sorry sweetie," Penny said absentmindedly, just wanting him to be quiet so she could hear what was going on in the backseat.

"Answer the question, nub!" Sam turned to him, her eyes blazing, "Did you enjoy it?"

"Okay, yes! No! Maybe…for a couple of seconds. Then I felt ashamed of myself."  _God help me if she knew I fist-pumped._  He turned to her, his voice soft. "I don't love her, Sam. That's -"

"Oh, thank God we're here," Penny said as she pulled into the parking lot of 2311 North Los Robles Avenue. Everyone jumped out of the car, relieved to fill their lungs with fresh air and to be free temporarily of Sam and Freddie's fighting. The two couples walked into the building in tense silence that lasted until they started to climb the stairs. Sam and Freddie led the way. Leonard, out of courtesy, brought up the rear.

"I don't love her, Sam."

" _I don't love her_ ,  _Sam,_ " Sam repeated mockingly. "I just stuck my tongue down her throat for fun!"

"Sam…"

"No, Freddie! I don't want to hear it! You don't love her? Then why were you all over her after we broke up? Trying to spend time with her? Following her around pathetically at school?" Sam paused and took a breath.  _"Is it too late for you to love me?_  Remember that one, Benson? That really sounds like a man who's NOT in love!"

"Where are you getting this from? We're friends! Just like I thought you and I were-"

"Friends! Oh please! You burned that bridge months ago. You've told me I don't care about you, that I need to be more 'normal.' And then when I find something I'm actually good at, something that can make me forget what a mess you've made of my life, you call me a criminal and a nuisance…in front of customers! Like I didn't even matter! And I just ignored it – or tried to. I tried to be your friend! I tried to give you what you obviously wanted and just pretend that you and me never even happened. But then, just when I'm starting to get over it – to get over you, you asked me if I wanted to get back together, and when I started to answer you, you changed the subject!"

"You're really going to blame this whole thing on me? Okay, so I asked if you wanted to get back together – but you made your answer pretty clear when you jumped on that motorcycle and left Seattle without as much as a  _so long and thanks for all the ham_!"

Leonard and Penny were grateful that they had reached the 4th floor. Penny opened her apartment door and Sam stormed inside as Penny stopped Freddie from following her.

"Freddie, sweetie, let it go for tonight. She's upset."

"But she thinks that-"

"It doesn't matter, Freddie. You have to let her be upset for a while." Penny looked to Leonard and gave him a half-smile, then closed the door behind them.

* * *

Leonard walked Freddie back to Apartment 4A and opened the door. Sheldon looked up from his laptop at the two men. "Good evening Leonard. And Fredward. From the red stains all over you, you either lost a knife fight or enjoyed your barbecue. But given your company, it might have been both." He guffawed.

"Sam and I had an argument. She thinks I'm still in love with her best friend."

"I see. And how does this concern me?"

"Freddie's upset, Sheldon," Leonard interjected.

"Well, why didn't you say so, Leonard? I'll make Freddie a hot beverage," Sheldon said as he got up from his spot on the couch and walked to the kitchen.

Freddie turned to Leonard and groaned. "She always pushes me away!"

Leonard shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't think I'm of any help, Freddie. I'm no good at all with women, and I still don't know why Penny is with me. Maybe next week, she won't be. We've broken up enough times. But Penny's right. Sam's just upset. Talk to her tomorrow."

"Now, hold on!" Sheldon broke in. "On what basis are you concluding that it will somehow be better just because they've both slept for several hours? Fredward, did you get into a fight with that … female because you were both sleep-deprived?"

"Uh, no," Freddie replied. "Sam and I have mostly fought with each other since the first day we met. We even fought all the time we were dating. Maybe that's the only way we can relate to each other."

"So Leonard, why do you think eight hours' sleep will suddenly change this state of affairs?"

"Because they'll be less upset if they give each other some space, Sheldon!" Leonard retorted.

"You don't have to be nasty," said Sheldon. "I was just pointing to potential logistical inconsistencies in your argument that could give Fredward a false sense of optimism." He turned toward Freddie. "But really, Fredward, if all you do is fight, why are you so determined to pursue a relationship with this woman? Remember that the classic example of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting a different result."

"Because I care about her, Sheldon!"

"Well, if you tell her that, I'm sure you can overcome however many years it was of mistrust and recrimination."

"Really?"

"Bazinga! Emotion only gets in the way of good scientific research. Just look at Leonard!"

"But I need her uncle to find us some salphanarium."

"Then take one for the team, Benson."

At that moment, there was a loud knock at the door. Freddie ran to it, hoping it would be Sam wanting to talk, but Howard and Raj walked in, Howard sporting a large bruise on his left cheek from his earlier encounter with Sam's buttersock.

Howard looked at the caked barbecue sauce on Freddie's face. "What happened to you?"

"I had dinner with Sam tonight. We had a little argument, and she squirted me with barbecue sauce."

"What is it with that girl and food? I don't even want to think about what she'd do with whipped cream in the bedroom."

"How's your face, Howard?" Leonard asked.

"It's basically fine. Penny has done worse to it. Freddie, your friend has yet to cultivate the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz."

"You've gotta be careful, Howard," Freddie said. "She doesn't always know when to stop once she's angry. She nearly put the Mexican ambassador in the burn unit with a hot chili dog when he cut in front of her at the cashier at Six-Twelve. Be grateful it was only the buttersock."

"What is a buttersock?" Raj interjected.

"A sock full of hard butter, and you hit people with it," said Freddie.

"Oh. Well I think you should be grateful it wasn't a peanut butter sock. If you went anywhere near peanut butter, we'd be taking you back to the emergency room."

* * *

Across the hall, Penny tried to get Sam to calm down. "Sam, honey, relax. I know you're mad, but you won't fix anything by storming around the apartment."

"That nub! He tells me he loves me, then ignores me, then tries to go back to my best friend! And he has the nerve to drag me to L.A. to do him favors! You know what, I'm leaving. Thanks for everything, Penny."

"Whoa, Sam, stay here and get yourself a good night's sleep, then think about this again tomorrow. Enjoy a few days here in Pasadena."

Penny went to the refrigerator and took out the bottle of wine she and Sam had started earlier in the day. "You need a glass of wine, to relax, Sam."

"I hate that nub!" Sam screamed.

"And I need the rest of the bottle," Penny observed.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Penny opened it to reveal Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Good evening, Penny. I attempted to telephone you repeatedly during the evening, but you never answered."

"I was out at dinner with Leonard and Freddie, and one of Freddie's friends-"

"Is this your sister?" Penny interrupted, looking at Sam. "She looks like a much younger version of you."

"No, this is Sam Puckett, a very old friend of …  _much younger_?"

"Well, you surely agree that no one would mistake you for a teenager?"

"Amy, I'm comfortable with who I am," Penny replied as she looked anxiously at a mirror. "Sam is a very good friend of Freddie's from Seattle. They were on a webshow together for years. And they also dated."

Amy turned to Sam. "And you've come here to rekindle the flame or at least relieve your biological urge to copulate? A booty call, as I believe it is in the vernacular?"

"Hey!" Sam stepped toward Amy before Penny moved between them."

"Amy, it hasn't gone too well so far. Sam and Freddie have a lot of things to deal with that go back to high school. He still likes her best friend."

"Well, males do have a biological urge to plant their seed as widely as possible in order to make the production of offspring more likely. Was he in a relationship with this best friend?"

"No, she never liked him, except for the time she thought she did, but only loved him having saved her life. But he never stopped liking her."

"So is she prettier, smarter, and more caring toward him than you?"

"No!" Sam yelled back. Then more softly, she said "yes?"

"Oh, well if her personality has all those characteristics, then you're admitting she's a much suitable mate for him than you."

"More suitable?"

"Well, she's his intellectual equal, able to provide him companionship and a pleasant and loving home life. Whereas you essentially offer secondary sexual characteristics such as curvy hips and an ample bosom that suggest fertility. Though that appeals primarily to older men who fear loss of testosterone and a falling sperm count."

"I don't want to have the nub's kid!"

"You protest too much. You are only upset because you must still care about him, evidenced by the scream you let out as I was walking up to Penny's door, and because someone of his intelligence would in fact an appealing father for your child. Just like the big hunk of genius across the hall from here."

"You like the weirdo? Who still looks like a weirdo in an apartment full of them?"

"Have a glass of wine, Amy. Help me figure out how to get these two back on the right track. Let's help Sam land herself a scientist. You too, Sam."

Sam looked up at Penny. "Yeah, okay. And I have to call my Uncle Carmine in the morning about this safadoodle thing they want for the lab. After I told him why I left Seattle, Carmine's been looking forward to having a little chat with Freddie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N2: And I'm sure you remember what Carmine told Freddie he'd do if he ever hurt his little Sammy…

**Author's Note:**

> A/N2: Updates may be slow in coming during September—work commitments and all that. But the return of new episodes of both shows should inspire me!


End file.
